I decided to write this in a form of diary for myself.
It would be easier for me to relate things that I was going through, and understanding as well as feeling it the same way as I felt at that time.
6 February 2014, Thursday.
5pm : I was at the gym, planning on Josh's surprise birthday for the next day with our business partner.
9pm : I was planning with josh to go catch a movie later that night, and what plans we could do on the following day i.e. on his birthday. And where we should have dinner
12am : Noticed that we bought the wrong movie tickets while waiting for the cinema hall to be ready. We mistakenly bought a movie for 8 Feb 12am (which would mean 7 Feb night)..
1230am : Went for a drink and shisha and got back home by 3 and slept
7 February 2014 , Friday.
5am: I suddenly jumped out of bed; as one would when they dreamt of falling from a high place. But I was sure that I was not dreaming.. I opened my eyes and sat up. Saw Josh sitting at his working desk looking at me in surprise. He was working... and was surprised that I jumped up so sudden.
I mumbled back to sleep assuming that he was making noise which woke me up.
1030am : Mom called. I was on my bed half asleep while I answered my phone. She told me my grandma (Patti) passed away.
I Froze.
11am : I was on my way back to Ipoh - my hometown , 2 hours away from where I live.
12.30 pm: I sped all the way and reached Ipoh. During this journey, all I could do was reminisce what Patti had done for me all this years... It left a bittersweet smile on my face.
The entire time, I dug up all the memories at the back of my head... Trying to recall every one bit so that I will never, ever forget them... since I wont be making any new memories with her... I keep looping them over and over again.. just in case.
I reached to her house. Saw her lying on her bed.. eyes shut, frozen.
Her hair tied neatly into a bun, not even a strand was out of place.
Her hand was cold.
I froze again. Trying to digest that this is really happening.
I've never experienced this before..
Patti was my mother when I was growing up. She took care of me since I was a baby till I was about 13.
My brother, Raven and I used to sleep over frequently when we were younger. Mom and dad used to work late when we were about 7 years old...
Being one of the first customers to sign up for Astro, we were privileged to watch all the tv shows and cartoons and doze off.
Sleeping in Patti's house would mean sleeping in the hall, in front of the TV with her, on a hand made cotton filled mattress.On a hot humid weekend, I would roll all over the mattress and onto the marble floor in the middle of the night. Patti would wake up and roll be back to my mattress.
i'm smiling at myself as i type this... i was such a pig when i slept..
Every morning, there'll be a cup of coffee. Patti's favorite drink was coffee. I started drinking coffee since I was 4! She'll take me to buy a pack of house made nasi lemak nearby.
then we'll just pass the day watching cartoons in the morning, and tamil shows at noon.
That was life.
She cooked for us and served us. When I was vegetarian, she'd go to the backyard and pull out some vegetables for me.
There was once she even bought us few slices of cakes out of random.
During festive seasons, she'd give us the biggest ang pow, and told us not to tell anyone else how much we've got.
I still remember her being a great cook. She'd cook chicken curry and the neigbours would ask some cuz it smelt so good!
I helped her in arranging murukkus into tins for Deepavali for customers. I remember sitting by the floor with her, my hands smelling like vinegar from de-seeding pickled lime for her chutney orders..
I remember eating her Chutney with just buns cuz it tasted so good!!
I remember walking with Patti and aunty to the market on weekends..
I got everything i asked for that time...
I'd end up getting a few chicks and that would be my pet for a while.. and it 'disappears' when it grows older.
I remember her sitting in the bathroom, plucking out the chicken feathers to cook.
I remember the time we had so many rabbits that she gave them away cuz they multiplied like crazy.
Since high school i frequently visit her and disturbed her by pulling her to the main hall, and dance as though we were in a ballroom.. The maid would be sitting by the corner laughing at us, as I would sway Patti around the hall, and Patti was so worried about her Sarong falling off.
I remembered asking for Salted Fish Curry once, and got it. It came out really salty as she put salt into the curry.. then i realized, she was getting old.
I did everything i can to visit her frequently but i never had the chance to spend as much time since I was so into living my life after high school..
a part of me tells me that I did my best and have no regrets as I've spent as much time as I could, but another part of me tells me that I couldve done more.
I couldve chipped in some money when I was already working so that she had a better life with a maid around.
I couldve just moved her to KL and take care of her instead.
I couldve just spent more time in Ipoh with her on weekends.
I couldve done so many things in 2013 but was just too busy with my own life.
Sigh.
It feels i've lost one of my limb.
I'm so attached to her that I don't know what I'd do when i go back to Ipoh.
There wont be any reason to drop by the house because she isn't there.
I remember talking to my brother naively back when we were younger. Probably bout 5-6 years old....
We knew Patti was old. So the topic of death came up and we'd say that we'd scream and cry till the whole world could hear us; if patti ever leaved us...
now, fast forward 20 years,and the day has come. Deep down , i really wish I could scream and shout till the whole world hears me... but hey.. she's already 90. They say its a good long life. but its just the last part that makes me regret the most.
This past 10 years.... I didn't spend enough time with her.
Patti , I will always always love you.
* this post is vague and not completed. I'm at a stage that my thoughts are coming aimlessly
I just need somewhere to spill everything out.
I miss her.
She is the reason of me speaking Tamil. She is the reason of how I am today... because of her style of upbringing, I am here today.
Amaravathi a/p Doraisamy
10 Oct 1924 - 7 Feb 2014
90 yrs
