Toby, May 2005-Oct 2013

I'm still very tired. Tired of everything.

I just wanted to pen this down before I call it a night.

Toby, my ginger colored Persian cat left us today. We woke up in the morning by our neighbours who kept calling from the main door.

Toby was found sprawled in front of their house, body frozen, eyes wide open.

It's a horrible way for you to leave us, Toby. I hope you did not suffer too long when the pack of strays came at you.
I wished I heard all that barking by Daisy and the rest.

I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you.

I'm going to miss you so much.

But I do know that you're in a better place now.

I still can't help to ask, why did this happen so soon.

Why did You take him away so soon..

Why do You take things I love one after the other.

I hope this does make me stronger.
I'm still trying to believe death is a new beginning, but don't take them from me while I'm still alive.
Don't let their beginning start before mine... I need them here with me. Please. No more.

I miss you, Toby

Rough September

Never knew why they sing the song "wake me up till September ends". I always thought, Are you crazy!!! Wake up when Sept comes coz its my birthday month!

This year, I realized why some people hate September. Not that I hate September, but this year, it has been particularly extremely tiring.

I've been juggling two jobs, experiencing another heavy bleeding, and on the side, planning my house renovation again.
Please don't ask what happened to my house. I've been so busy that even that little bit of work has been put off on hold.

Being so tired, and having less fun, I still helped out with 'the' family to set up a birthday party. Because i helped, people started talking about me getting pregnant.
And being over excited of the word 'pregnant', she spilled the beans about me having miscarriage as if it meant nothing to her or anyone else for that matter!

And because she made it so casual, some retarded lady came asking to just to confirm if it was real.
Do note that these are all family members of my husbands. I didn't know if i should just yell at the one who spilled the word out or just kick the lady who just asked me.

I would understand if the lady came sympathizing on me. At least I wouldn't feel 'that' bad thinking she had good faith. But this was different. She just came, asked and left.
Obviously I denied. But as if she cared. She just got the news from the most reliable source.

And so what did I do?

well, I walked over to Josh and questioned him out loud. Just because his father (and no one else) was sitting behind him..Josh was shocked. At the time, we still didn't know who spoke about this. So being me, angry and frustrated, I walked over to Josh's dad and asked. Well, it wasn't him. He was as shocked as we were.
So i suspected.. must be one of the female in the house.

I spot one of them, alone. I went over and asked in a curious manner.
She answered in the most casual way that she was the person who said it.
I lost my head.
I told her "I thought the pregnancy was meant to be a secret, until we were all sure that it was safe to tell everyone.. why did you say it out?"

She just looked at me surprised and walked away!
Can you believe that? It was as if it was my wrong to question her!

I left. I left the party right away. But I still had my manners to bid everyone goodbye. Obviously she ignored me.

This happened 2 weeks ago.

The family invited me for dinner last Sunday. Josh and I went, only to have her still ignoring us. Yes, Us, not just me..

What get my blood boiling is, you preach about forgiveness, patiences, and everything the bible teaches.. but you don't keep secrets, you act childishly and you keep grudges.

Great.

I should be the one dead pissed at you. I should be the one ignoring you.

But because I'm better than you, I'm just keep it low. So here it is, me letting off my anger in this secret blog that I have, that no one ever knows about.