Learning to move on from a demised of a loved one

I decided to write this in a form of diary for myself.
It would be easier for me to relate things that I was going through, and understanding as well as feeling it the same way as I felt at that time.

6 February 2014, Thursday.
5pm : I was at the gym, planning on Josh's surprise birthday for the next day with our business partner.
9pm : I was planning with josh to go catch a movie later that night, and what plans we could do on the following day i.e. on his birthday. And where we should have dinner
12am : Noticed that we bought the wrong movie tickets while waiting for the cinema hall to be ready. We mistakenly bought a movie for 8 Feb 12am (which would mean 7 Feb night)..
1230am : Went for a drink and shisha and got back home by 3 and slept

7 February 2014 , Friday.
5am: I suddenly jumped out of bed; as one would when they dreamt of falling from a high place. But I was sure that I was not dreaming.. I opened my eyes and sat up. Saw Josh sitting at his working desk looking at me in surprise. He was working... and was surprised that I jumped up so sudden.

I mumbled back to sleep assuming that he was making noise which woke me up.

1030am : Mom called. I was on my bed half asleep while I answered my phone. She told me my grandma (Patti) passed away.

I Froze.

11am : I was on my way back to Ipoh - my hometown , 2 hours away from where I live.

12.30 pm: I sped all the way and reached Ipoh. During this journey, all I could do was reminisce what Patti had done for me all this years... It left a bittersweet smile on my face.
The entire time, I dug up all the memories at the back of my head... Trying to recall every one bit so that I will never, ever forget them... since I wont be making any new memories with her... I keep looping them over and over again.. just in case.

I reached to her house. Saw her lying on her bed.. eyes shut, frozen.
Her hair tied neatly into a bun, not even a strand was out of place.
Her hand was cold.

I froze again. Trying to digest that this is really happening.

I've never experienced this before..

Patti was my mother when I was growing up. She took care of me since I was a baby till I was about 13.
My brother, Raven and I used to sleep over frequently when we were younger. Mom and dad used to work late when we were about 7 years old...

Being one of the first customers to sign up for Astro, we were privileged to watch all the tv shows and cartoons and doze off.
Sleeping in Patti's house would mean sleeping in the hall, in front of the TV with her, on a hand made cotton filled mattress.On a hot humid weekend, I would roll all over the mattress and onto the marble floor in the middle of the night. Patti would wake up and roll be back to my mattress.
i'm smiling at myself as i type this... i was such a pig when i slept..

Every morning, there'll be a cup of coffee. Patti's favorite drink was coffee. I started drinking coffee since I was 4! She'll take me to buy a pack of house made nasi lemak nearby.
then we'll just pass the day watching cartoons in the morning, and tamil shows at noon.

That was life.

She cooked for us and served us. When I was vegetarian, she'd go to the backyard and pull out some vegetables for me.

There was once she even bought us few slices of cakes out of random.

During festive seasons, she'd give us the biggest ang pow, and told us not to tell anyone else how much we've got.

I still remember her being a great cook. She'd cook chicken curry and the neigbours would ask some cuz it smelt so good!
I helped her in arranging murukkus into tins for Deepavali for customers. I remember sitting by the floor with her, my hands smelling like vinegar from de-seeding pickled lime for her chutney orders..
I remember eating her Chutney with just buns cuz it tasted so good!!

I remember walking with Patti and aunty to the market on weekends..
I got everything i asked for that time...

I'd end up getting a few chicks and that would be my pet for a while.. and it 'disappears' when it grows older.

I remember her sitting in the bathroom, plucking out the chicken feathers to cook.
I remember the time we had so many rabbits that she gave them away cuz they multiplied like crazy.


Since high school i frequently visit her and disturbed her by pulling her to the main hall, and dance as though we were in a ballroom.. The maid would be sitting by the corner laughing at us, as I would sway Patti around the hall, and Patti was so worried about her Sarong falling off.

I remembered asking for Salted Fish Curry once, and got it. It came out really salty as she put salt into the curry.. then i realized, she was getting old.


I did everything i can to visit her frequently but i never had the chance to spend as much time since I was so into living my life after high school..


a part of me tells me that I did my best and have no regrets as I've spent as much time as I could, but another part of me tells me that I couldve done more.


I couldve chipped in some money when I was already working so that she had a better life with a maid around.
I couldve just moved her to KL and take care of her instead.

I couldve just spent more time in Ipoh with her on weekends.

I couldve done so many things in 2013 but was just too busy with my own life.


Sigh.

It feels i've lost one of my limb.
I'm so attached to her that I don't know what I'd do when i go back to Ipoh.

There wont be any reason to drop by the house because she isn't there.

I remember talking to my brother naively back when we were younger. Probably bout 5-6 years old....
We knew Patti was old. So the topic of death came up and we'd say that we'd scream and cry till the whole world could hear us; if patti ever leaved us...

now, fast forward 20 years,and the day has come. Deep down , i really wish I could scream and shout till the whole world hears me... but hey.. she's already 90. They say its a good long life. but its just the last part that makes me regret the most.


This past 10 years.... I didn't spend enough time with her.


Patti , I will always always love you.


* this post is vague and not completed. I'm at a stage that my thoughts are coming aimlessly
I just need somewhere to spill everything out.

I miss her.

She is the reason of me speaking Tamil. She is the reason of how I am today... because of her style of upbringing, I am here today.

Amaravathi a/p Doraisamy

10 Oct 1924 - 7 Feb 2014

90 yrs

Gong hei fatt choy!!!

Has it been a year already?? dayum, time sure flies!

I still remember last year's Chinese New Years, and it feels like it was just a few months ago!!  Being such a horrible blogger, my 2013 CNY entry is just 2 pages away from the homepage! hahaha...

I admit I am not a pro, but it sure feels nice to look back at all that's been recorded, and just relive that moment.

O'well, this year, we did things a little different. We cut down on crackers, since our youngest in the family is 8 years old, and the next youngest is 15; and we didn't hire a lion dance.

Last year the lion dance crew was really bad, and I told my dad not to get em this year. I mean, if I had the skin, I would've done a better job!

I got prepared early! Packed my red packets, enough to give the whole neighbourhood since i've been diligently collecting angpow packets ever since Christmas was over...

.

.

.

.

only to forget bringing them along with me to Ipoh!

champion.

Since we reached Ipoh just in time for the reuninon dinner, most shops were already closed. So i had to reluctantly use some outdated, ugly angpows and pack them in desperation...

I spent only a night in Ipoh since we had to be back to feed our 6 dogs, and one cat.

The only way to optimize my stay was to sleep less, eat more and gamble more!

My first day of CNY is quite the obvious! Won more money, at mahjong than I did on BlackJack! hehe

The usual family photos for the start of 2014:

Still can do silly faces despite the age - Dad looks really funny here. Almost resembles Jackie Chan in the 2nd row picture

One proper shot for the record, at Kek Lok Tong Temple - Chinese cave temple  

Josh & I,  2 days before CNY, in Pavilion with thousands of horse at the background... 

20 days of January

Its only been 20 days, but there's so much going on!!!!

Work @ the gym
House shifting - to a new rented bigger house
Dog time and organization (gotta make sure theyre comfortable in their new place)
Work @ the bar ... accounts. sigh
Raven turns 27 -  party hopping
Mom In Law (MIL) birthday
Work @ online ... my new business

is there too much on my plate?

I really wonder.

But money is never too much on my plate. So... i guess, there is never always too much on my plate...

Gotta suck it up, and enjoy it while it lasts.

As usual, a few photos of MIL's Birthday in Souled Out, Hartamas  ;)

whats going on

ahh!! its another 10 days to Christmas, and another 15 to 2014!

I'm quite happy that this year is going to be over. 2013 isn't the best year for me... 

The lack of blogging already tells a lot, not to mention the posts in 2013....

Life goes on... I've learnt to be strong. Though time is the real challenge. 

Time heals everything. Every little thing.... and when you need more time, you just don't get it, do you? 

... life. As is.

I always update on special dates, such as 10.10.10 right till 10.11.12 ...

Now, what did I do for 11.12.13???

Spent time with the family :) Raven is now on a long break after finishing his housemanship... so he's been bumming in our house for a bit... we had dinner together, and went for the MOET CHANDON Champaign launch in Sultans at Mandarin Oriental Hotel 

It was a dead party.Not worth mentioning it actually, but its the company that counts.

We had fun by ourselves. Dad wasn't there, so it was just us young bunch :)

What am I on to recently?

Well, our family took over a Bar in Bangsar, and we've been pretty much caught up there every night just to make sure everything runs smooth.

We got our friends to open shisha stall by the balcony, and its pretty alright so far.

Working at two jobs is very tiring, but if its our own business, no complains right??

To be honest, managing time is the worst! My sleeping hours are pretty much screwed. I feel I'll be getting older twice as fast now! heh

And with all this business going on, I  came up with a great idea on another business! My own personal business plan, which I am very proud of, and has took its first step in making it real.... So excited!

I think it will kick off somewhere in February.... its like my little baby... I try to think all the plans for it, but its just unknown. I don't know where to start or if it will be what I expected, or if it will all burst out and I wont be able to handle it alone :s

Oh well oh well, need to be patient...

So hows the "house" coming along? its habitable now, but we just dont have the time to furnish it. graahhh!!

With this much on my plate, I think that can wait...

Whats life now at home?

After Toby left, all of us were down. Every time we came back home to our porch, we think of him, coz he'll be waiting for us...after 2 weeks Toby went to Heaven, I got a kitten named Bob.

He's a munchkin. A breed which is genetically has short legs, so he pretty much looks like a hotdog cat..

Still a little tiny now, so he's in his cage most of the time... we let him out when we're home and he goes all wild! Bobs' now our night entertainment after a long day of work :)

Here's Bob: 

We are getting pretty well now... I hope it'll be better in 2014. *crossed fingers*

Toby, May 2005-Oct 2013

I'm still very tired. Tired of everything.

I just wanted to pen this down before I call it a night.

Toby, my ginger colored Persian cat left us today. We woke up in the morning by our neighbours who kept calling from the main door.

Toby was found sprawled in front of their house, body frozen, eyes wide open.

It's a horrible way for you to leave us, Toby. I hope you did not suffer too long when the pack of strays came at you.
I wished I heard all that barking by Daisy and the rest.

I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you.

I'm going to miss you so much.

But I do know that you're in a better place now.

I still can't help to ask, why did this happen so soon.

Why did You take him away so soon..

Why do You take things I love one after the other.

I hope this does make me stronger.
I'm still trying to believe death is a new beginning, but don't take them from me while I'm still alive.
Don't let their beginning start before mine... I need them here with me. Please. No more.

I miss you, Toby

Rough September

Never knew why they sing the song "wake me up till September ends". I always thought, Are you crazy!!! Wake up when Sept comes coz its my birthday month!

This year, I realized why some people hate September. Not that I hate September, but this year, it has been particularly extremely tiring.

I've been juggling two jobs, experiencing another heavy bleeding, and on the side, planning my house renovation again.
Please don't ask what happened to my house. I've been so busy that even that little bit of work has been put off on hold.

Being so tired, and having less fun, I still helped out with 'the' family to set up a birthday party. Because i helped, people started talking about me getting pregnant.
And being over excited of the word 'pregnant', she spilled the beans about me having miscarriage as if it meant nothing to her or anyone else for that matter!

And because she made it so casual, some retarded lady came asking to just to confirm if it was real.
Do note that these are all family members of my husbands. I didn't know if i should just yell at the one who spilled the word out or just kick the lady who just asked me.

I would understand if the lady came sympathizing on me. At least I wouldn't feel 'that' bad thinking she had good faith. But this was different. She just came, asked and left.
Obviously I denied. But as if she cared. She just got the news from the most reliable source.

And so what did I do?

well, I walked over to Josh and questioned him out loud. Just because his father (and no one else) was sitting behind him..Josh was shocked. At the time, we still didn't know who spoke about this. So being me, angry and frustrated, I walked over to Josh's dad and asked. Well, it wasn't him. He was as shocked as we were.
So i suspected.. must be one of the female in the house.

I spot one of them, alone. I went over and asked in a curious manner.
She answered in the most casual way that she was the person who said it.
I lost my head.
I told her "I thought the pregnancy was meant to be a secret, until we were all sure that it was safe to tell everyone.. why did you say it out?"

She just looked at me surprised and walked away!
Can you believe that? It was as if it was my wrong to question her!

I left. I left the party right away. But I still had my manners to bid everyone goodbye. Obviously she ignored me.

This happened 2 weeks ago.

The family invited me for dinner last Sunday. Josh and I went, only to have her still ignoring us. Yes, Us, not just me..

What get my blood boiling is, you preach about forgiveness, patiences, and everything the bible teaches.. but you don't keep secrets, you act childishly and you keep grudges.

Great.

I should be the one dead pissed at you. I should be the one ignoring you.

But because I'm better than you, I'm just keep it low. So here it is, me letting off my anger in this secret blog that I have, that no one ever knows about.

its August!

I have been missing a while. That really shows how busy I've been.
Oh well, I'm not complaining. I kinda like this life, really. Being my own boss with Mr Hubs is pretty fun.
We go to work together, wake up late whenever, and get stressed together as well. Hahaha

Besides working, our house is nearly completed! Just waiting for some extra cash to beautify it to the way I like it before I move in. I believe it'd be a mess to move in, and to get some minor reno done later.
I hope we get to move in by my Birthday in Sept :)